Everybody is talking about the Ozlotto 90 million jackpot today. Twitter is talking about how to spend it. TV is telling us that we want it and news sites are running interviews with former winners. With that in mind, I have prepared two letters for my boss, one of which I will give tomorrow.

Letter one.

Dear Boss,

For years I have slaved for your inhumane, money hungry organization. I have kept quiet as you have repeatedly cut costs by using shoddy equipment. Your complete disregard for family is criminal and your inability to be even the slightest bit flexible has caused me hardship on more than one occasion.

When I once asked for time off because my wife was undergoing a medical procedure on her heart you told me that since I wasn’t undergoing the procedure that I should report to work.

Another time I wanted a day off for my grandfather’s funeral I was made to swap days off with another employee so I could attend.

Remember when I wanted to work while my wife was in hospital but needed family friendly hours for the week? You didn’t even try to help. I had to take the time without pay and was unable to pay my rent that fortnight! If my landlord was as inflexible as you my family would have been living in a car!

So with great pleasure I inform you that I have just won 90 million dollars in Ozlotto and you wont see a cent. Fuck you and fuck your company!

Jason.

Letter Two.

Dear Boss,

This letter is to inform you that my blog, Contempt for Humanity, was hacked yesterday by an unknown assailant who is trying to sully my good name and discredit your business.

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I enjoy everyday that I am able to come to work and be apart of your fantastic organisation. You are a fantastic business man with great ideas which will lead us to much success in our industry.

I owe everything my family has to you and your business and I make sure to pray for you and yours at church every Sunday. Thank you for all the opportunities you have given me over the last eight years. You are a true hero!

Yours forever

Jason

Yeah, I said it. In fact, I don’t think that there is much more to say beyond the title of this post, because, well… really it just explains how I feel about most people who believe in God.

Yeah, my family are going to be oh-so-horrified and pray for my mortal soul blah blah blah… and I will no doubt get my fair share of condescending “oh but you just aren’t open to the idea” crap.

We evolved from monkeys. Darwin was right and time and time again, Darwin’s theory of evolution has been proven to be spot on.

The existence of God requires a leap of faith. It requires all sorts of assumptions about intent, consciousness and leaps of logic. I once had a Christian say, point blank to my face: “It’s not about proving it with science, it’s about common sense and belief”.

So now, Senator Steven Fielding has denied the existence of global warming on the basis that the science isn’t compelling enough. THE SCIENCE IS NOT COMPELLING ENOUGH FOR A PERSON WHO CLAIMS THAT THE WORLD IS A FEW THOUSAND YEARS OLD.

Senator Fielding, let’s pretend for a moment that the scientific hypothesis of global warming is flawed. Yes, let’s indulge it for a minute.

How can pouring toxic chemicals into our atmosphere *NOT* be hazardous? The carcinogens, poisons & pollution that are released into the air are simply not good for our environment. This is not about the science, it’s about common fucking sense.

You need to be consistent in the faith you put in Science. You cannot dismiss compelling and overwhelming scientific proof on one hand, and then demand it in the other. Unless, of course what you are really doing is denying ANYTHING that has compelling scientific evidence and are just making it up based on your own idiotic beliefs.

God does not exist. Global warming does. And you are a dipshit.

…for everyone to get a stellar reminder that sometimes, our online personas collide with our offline lives. And, fuck, is it entertaining!

In case you have a life, some background: Perez Hilton tweeted that he had been assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. Will.I.Am posted a video. Perez posted a video. John Mayer got involved. Will.I.Am posted another video. Internet commentary started, TMZ posted the video of the fight. The Googletubes Commentariat attempted to equate Perez’ “bashing” with domestic violence (WTF) and gay bashing (WTF). GLAAD, understandably, got upset at Perez’ use of the word “faggot”. Feminists got pissed off that Perez wasn’t called on his misogyny. Perez released a statement.

And I laughed my fucking arse off.

More and more, we are being treated to the spectacle of twitter-happy celebrities, tweeting about their mundane shit, their scandal, their petty tiffs. Much like I use Facebook to passive-aggressively “break up” with my husband during a fight, or my friends use their statuses to fight with each other… celebrities are doing it too. Spectacularly. And I love that they are just like me… except with a million people seeing it instead of 400. It’s awesome.

10 years ago, when Perez Hilton was just an unemployed douchebag, celebrity wars were done via the press – filtered through publicists, or press releases & managers. Now, they can say whatever they want, when they want, for better or worse… resulting in hilarity for all. Oh how I love the internets. And oh, how I love Twitter even more.

If you don’t “get” Twitter… this is what it is to get. It captures moments, for better or worse, for everyone’s amusement.

Let’s be clear, though.

I absolutely hate the idea that someone would be physically assaulted because of something they had written on their blog. I, for sure, have had my fair share of family tiffs and friendship breakdowns because of things I have written. I have had friends whose lives have been made hell because someone didn’t get the joke on their blog. I get it.

But here, we are not talking about your average blogger, or average journalist being crucified for their opinions. It’s not like Fergie & Will.I.Am approached Perez at a party and punched him in the head for his blog.

We are talking about someone who is pretty universally disliked – someone who doesn’t seem to understand the difference between fame and notoriety (and given the contact he keeps, it’s no surprise… most of them are all 5 minute wonders). Someone who doesn’t see the difference between being a public figure because you are good at something, or hard working… and making a living being a screaming defamatory bully-queen. Someone who doesn’t see any difference between being respected and loathed, so long as its profitable.

And, someone who doesn’t understand that eventually, if you treat people badly for long enough, you will eventually be called to task for your behaviour.

It is NOT the same as a journalist being hit, or a blogger being stalked, or a woman being hit. Honestly. This is a simple case of a person mouthing off, and copping a fist in the face as a result. Nothing more, nothing less. And truthfully, the way he is carrying on you’d think he was actually beaten. Seriously, I accidentally poked myself in the eye once and I looked more injured.

The whole debacle just reminds me of this.

Anyway, celebrities, please keep amusing us with your bitchfights. And please keep making mountains out of molehills. You give all of us something to write about. And it makes me realise that maybe my online behaviour ain’t so bad after all.