I have been blogging since before the word “blog” became fashionable. Before Blogger. Before WordPress. And even before we started thinking in 140 characters or less & telling everyone what you’re thinking. Yes, I am totally cutting edge.

I used an awful WYSIWYG editor called NetOjects Fusion, to manually edit HTML pages to tell the internet about how my mummy doesn’t love me and how I had a roast beef roll for lunch, that wasn’t as good as the chicken sandwich I had had the week before. Pretty fucking riveting stuff, that no doubt will serve as anthropological evidence that self-absorbed cunts existed in the year 2000.

I often laugh at the amount of crappy self-confession that went on… and over time I have tried to be less inane and moderately more entertaining. However, as I scoured through the archives of my old personal blogs for funny posts (or padding for the new blog, depending on how you look at it), I found posts that, in hindsight, really should have had me banished from the internet for clogging up the tubes with shit. They included:

• How I bought a steam cleaner and steam cleaners are awesome.
• How I bought a vacuum cleaner and vacuum cleaners are awesome.
• How I hate the fictional character Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy.
• How I needed to go to the shop later (no joke).
• Gory details about blood pressure, pregnancy and babies.
• How I was depressed that people from high school were successful and I wasn’t yet, because I was at uni for 9 years and boohoohoo.
• How I adopted a cat.
• How I moved house.

and the funniest one:

• How this new video site, YouTube, was kinda awesome and addictive, and all 14 of my readers should TOTALLY check it out on my recommendation. Before you ask, no, they didn’t write me a commission cheque for the free advertising.

Needless to say, this wasn’t exactly what I planned. My blogs, over the years, became dumping grounds for random thoughts and inane memes, rather than actually producing something worthwhile and readable. So, this blog, Contempt for Humanity, has been created. I have scoured the archives and kept the content that I thought was funny and readable, and scrapped the rest (about 140 posts, I might add).

So this is an official apology to the internet for dribbling shit. I shall try to do a bit better from now on. In the meantime, check out some of these archives that I had forgotten about. Some of them are actually rather funny.

• RIP Itchy
• The Tooth Fairy
• Even her dreams are nerdy

See? I’m a comic genius.

Related posts:

1. Signs that I might be nesting, Part I.
2. MiLFs do it better.
3. “Hi ma’am, how are you today?”